Baby, you make me so nervous

Dude, what?

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 22:55:35 GMT

HAHAHHAAHA NO YOU CAN'T BE FUCKING SERIOUS:

http://www.thinkb4youspeak.com/psa.asp?play=tvspots&video=TV_FittingRoom_30
Watch the How To videos. Watch them. This HAS to be epic satire rite?

Just to say.....

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:54:18 GMT

Jan Moir is a nasty, disgusting troglodyte with no claim to journalistic skill other than ownership of a pen. Being sued into an overdraft by the family of the man she happily slandered is far less than she deserves. That is all.

boing

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 19:06:49 GMT

Well, tomorrow should be happy. I have sent all the necessary letters in to uni and not recieved any acknowledgement, so the plan is-

Get up
Phone uni
Go to dietician
Go and get totally inappropriate mixture of cream and caffeine from Starbucks
Phone uni another four million times or until desired response achieved
Go to Lush and return pots for free face mask (YEY)
Scream at whoever is fobbing me off at the uni so loud that my phone breaks
Go and get shiny new upgrade phone and maybe some pie
Plot and seethe.

Sounds good no?

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 17:11:02 GMT

Aw, fuck.

I just bought a load of swarovski crystal star beads off Ebay.

BUT THEY HAD EIGHT COLOURS! EIGHT! THE BEAD SHOP ONLY HAS TWO!

Anyone want any jewelery so I can justify this?

WHAT ARE HAPPEN

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 21:54:48 GMT

OK, I return. Explanation and meme under cut.

Thing the first

What happened with uni was that I failed m placement due to "inconsistent evidence of key standards." The key standards is the shizzle you have to tick off. As I was only missing two ticks and no fucker had bothered to tell me this til three weeks before the end of placement, I was profoundly pissed off. HOWEVER. The exam board accepted the evidence about my craziness, anaemia, and abscessed tooth of doom and concluded that-get this, practice teacher bitch whore-NOBODY COULD HAVE PASSED IN THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES. HA! Of course I was very upset for a while, hence abandoning eljay. The real problem was that because I recieved a health concession, I haven't been allowed to enter the second year for academic work until I have repeated the placement. This means an extra the course, and is totally pointless as I did not fail any academic modules. Several members of the cohort did fail academic modules. I have queried to the course leader why they have been permitted to proceed. She has not replied. How rare. I will be querying it with the disabilities team, 'cause I'm seriously fucking annoyed. Anyway, upshot is, when I produce a GPs letter which I have, a psychiatrist's letter which I will get this week and a "reflective statement about how I intend to manage my heath issues" I can re-do placement. Then I guess I'll just get a job til September. GOD though, it's so unfuckingfair. Wait'll you hear what they did to the pregnant girl.

Thing the second

Five words meme from mothergoddamn

Seetickets: National box office agent, main competitors to Ticketmaster, tender holder for the sale of Glastonbury tickets and dingepit call centre of Stalag Doom in Nottingham, where I worked as a call centre chicken for my last two years of university. The place wasn't too bad until they instigated a no reading rule, at which point it became unbearable. Highlights: finding out how fucking abysmal their customer services is (if you ever need to go to battle with them, drop me a line first so I can prewarn you) Highlights: being asked to marry a girl who had just been sold Matchbox 20 tickets, 2004 Glasto ticket sales where I LITERALLY DID NOT STOP TALKING FOR HALF AN HOUR, putting Robbie Williams Knebworth tickets into envelopes for eight hours, never ever getting any freebies, ever.

Benwell: Area of Newcastle I've actually never been to. Some exposition is required here.

When on the placement I failed, myself and two other students were gifted to a central Newcastle community day centre for older adults "at risk of social exclusion" which was quite a wide ranging criterion. We were informed by Practice Teacher that there would be a lot of racism, mysogyny etc from the mens groups, who are of a Certain Generation, most of whom have dementia/head injuries/for one reason or another lack social grace. We were always, at all times, to challenge this, because allowing it to go unheeded would be breeding oppression.

Now I agreed happily to this. I've always been the sort of annoying dick who would call someone on their racism very loudly. Then this happened: Lunch one day. Me, Warren (another student), Practice Teacher and a lady member of staff we will call N. We sit at the table together to partake of our coloured mush.

N: Where you from, Emma?
ME: Liverpool, I live in Gosforth now.
N: Oooh, Gosforths nice. Are you local, Warren?
Warren: (names place quite nearby where he has lived all his life) So N are you from round here?
N: Aye, moved onto *names estate* last year, but I grew up in Benwell, had to leave though.
Warren: Oh?
N: The coloureds are ruining it.

Me and Warren both freeze ready for Pratcice Teacher to tear N a new arsehole. She merely smiles indulgently and asks for the vinegar.
(Later, I would be involved in quite a nasty domestic violence case, when on my way to see the victim a volunteer would tell me"women are like allotments, they both need a good dig once a month" Practice Teacher would be pissing herself with glee) Soshul werk in akshun, kids.
"The coloureds are ruining Benwell" became something of a catchprase and all purpose joke to be reapplied or referenced in any and all situations which helped us live through the six months of dying a little inside each day that this bullshit entailed. It has been suggested that we produce Benwell! The Musical for our graduating class-which I won't be graduating with but never mind. N continued to make dark, paranoic sounds about "the coloureds"for the remainder of the placement and now every time I hear the word Benwell or see it on a bus side, I cackle, then die a little more inside.

Ana Matronic: Hot ginger bird from Scissor Sisters. I would. And so would you.

Writing: My first love, currently victim to my shame about having dropped off a Creative Writing MA twice (once got pregnant, second time got made homeless and had to leave the city.Both these things are Ian's fault.) Friends are making noises that with the free time I have from repeating placement I should try and knock some of my work into some sort of order and sell it. I doubt strongly it is saleable, but I would ike to try. I have a thing for writing radio drama, and there's a script I could beat into order and pimp out. Need readers tho. HELP MEH.

CAPITALS: Capitals were invented by Ceiling Cat to lure the heathens away from the DAZZLING HERESY being pimped by Salamander Jesus and are VERY IMPORTANT ON ELJAY cause in real when I want to EMPHASIZE SOMETHING I wave my hands but you CAN'T SEE ME DOING THAT ONLINE so THAT IS WHY WE NEED CAPITALS.

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 19:36:25 GMT

QUICKLY, CHILDREN!

THE SUGABABES ARE IMPLODING! ITS ON DIGITALSPY SO IT MUST BE TRUE!

Already they've found a new one. When the bomb drops there'll just be loads of diamonds from everyone's compressed carbon and cockroaches and the Sugababes will fight over them.

A snippet from the weekend

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 21:22:08 GMT

MY BROTHER: You know, I can't think of any job gayer than hairdressing?
CRAIG: Cabin crew?
MY BROTHER: No
MY DAD.....Buttplug salesman?
ME :*chokestodeathOMGWTFBBQ*

MY NAME IS GERALDINE / MANICS ALREADY DID IT

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 18:52:47 GMT

Poor dear James Allan has wandered off somewhere and everyone's rather worried about him. I do hope he is OK and comes back to write more hopelessly optimistic somgs about how great soshul werk is.

Cause that is PRECISELY what I do all day when I'm not making tea or reading about empowerment. Nice choon tho.

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 19:06:09 GMT

Click here.
Take the quiz.
Post your results.
1) What would fucking_sodfor his/her birthday? Something obscure and FMF-y. If he knew her, which he doesn't.
2) How would blue_bunny_pazkill greeneyedcrafts? She wouldn't.
3) How would dandybunconquer the world? Already has
4) What is kay_robinson's favorite color? She's fictional so whatever you want
5) What animal should greeneyedcraftsbe combined with? A siamese cat
6) Have you flirted with __wevebeenhad? Well I fucked him for three years, so I must have made some impression
7) Would you wrestle gaspode38in jello? That sounds lulzy.OK
8) What do you agree with childofrosesabout? Pulp being awesome
9) Does ducklingsmithdo drugs? I doubt it
10) What would you do if you found out mothergoddamnhas a crush on you? Strut!
11) What would furrymobdo differently in your shoes? Eat holes in all my jeans
12) Where was princess_loobyborn? Er...shit, I do know this!
13) If teddybunbuncommanded an army, who would be his/her followers? Bunnehs
14) Does fucking_sodhave a crush on kay_robinson? No, she is a fictional character I'll wager he has never heard of
15) Did rebnessbreak up with you? AND SHE SPENT ALL THE MONEY FOR TAMSIN'S VIOLA LESSONS ON HER SEX CHANGE!
16) What word best describes princess_looby? Leila
17) How long have you known melys_cerys? Ten years?
18) What would you do if mcgarrygirl78died? That would be very sad indeed.
19) One thing you can't stand about rebness? She abandoned me and our children to pursue her transexual dreams in Spain Bitch.
20) If forest_roseand princess_loobywere spliced together, what would be its name? Nataleila. Don't steal it, it's copyright
21) What flavor of jello would __wevebeenhadbe? Lemon
22) Have you ever dated kathleenalice? No, but I've been violated by her cat
23) Is paraxenian emo? Nah, she's probably a fucking goth
24) What planet should neurotripsybe from? I'm sure there's one she'd like that I don't know about
25) What is melys_cerys's shoe size? er.....6?
26) What song/movie would you recommend to numbpill? Heathers, I think it would amuse her
27) Is gaspode38your best friend? She's well up the list.
28) Is fucking_sodfriends with gaspode38? No, which is a shame as everyone should know Melissa.
29) Are paraxeniand blue_bunny_pazmarried? No but DUDE HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?
30) Does forest_rosego to your school? She used to go to my work.</div>

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 23:25:50 GMT

AUGH FUCK I just did this awesome quiz where I speculated on you all and the HTML will not work. FAGGOTRY

Today's LOLTARD

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:27:08 GMT

Henry standing at the front door, pointing his car keys and hammering on the button, completely baffled as to why the door will not open, as the car locks and unlocks audibly behind him.

I KNOWZ POLITIKS

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 10:03:42 GMT

My Political Views I am a left moderate social libertarian Left: 4.75, Libertarian: 1.53 <img src="http://www.gotoquiz.com/politics/grid/11x23.gif"> <a href="http://www.gotoquiz.com/politics/political-spectrum-quiz.html">Political Spectrum Quiz</a>

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 21:38:00 GMT

Apparently bone contusion is a thing?

I haz it.

Owie.

mish

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 17:29:44 GMT

Right, I'm on a mission. I'm finishing the fucking radio script.
I need readers, people, the thing has to be gutted and reassembled.
I can pay in cola bottles.
Anyone?

This week...

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 22:35:15 GMT

..I are doing absolutely shit all (save manic phonearounds due to DWP cuntishness)

I am aided in this noble pursuit by:

*Pomegranete Rubicon
*Holding a treat just above Lola's head out of her eyeline and watching her ASPLOAD
*Books which are a compilation of blog posts by people working in public service
*Asda bloomer loaves
*Cherry Coke
*South Park (I LOVE YOU TREY PARKER FOR GIVING ME PERMISH TO DOWNLOAD IT ALL)
*Mismatched pyjamas with cherries on top and stars on the bottom.

Soon I will do my portfolio, essentially a folder full of irrelevant wank which nevertheless MUST BE HANDED IN, and hound the dental hospital for proof of my week long pus-spitting residence for my Mitigating Circumstances, and then hopefully not be too far off sailing unencumbered into Year 2. I could so do without a whole extra placement.

What else...

Parentals visiting on Thursday for MAH BIRFDAY even though it's not til Saturday so that doesn't even add up. They want to go to the Metro Centre.Why? Why?

Also I have memes to do when I can be fooked to go back and get 'em from the comments. You haven't had my opinion forced down your throat for far too long, dears.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:41:59 GMT

Failed.

Too lazy to put the friends filter on so you KNOW Ian is pissing himself right about now.

Ah, DUDES!

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 00:21:36 GMT

Distracting me from the heyowge pile of soshul work learninz that need to be in place by next Monday (my policy on self harm among older people is DA FUN-EST!) are the following:

THIS WILL NOT LEAVE MY HEAD and I cannot decide if this is good or bad. Lead singer's hot though.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0752898353/ref=s9_simp_gw_s8_p14_t1?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=center-1&pf_rd_r=14NC0A9VZ38WNPFR3NEM&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=467198433&pf_rd_i=468294

WANT. As someone pointed out on manics_lolz it will either be an indepth and well researched read or a TOTAL LOLGASM.

SOME LITTLE FUCKER CUNT HAS ROBBED MY IPOD. Complete with pikeylicious Swarovski headphones. CUNT. Los Parentos have offered to replace it for my birthday, bless them. All a bit distratced by Family Bollockz which I may also post about if I can keep the emo level down.

Internet dramaz of the highest order: google "April Rose is fake/April Rose hoax/April Rose scam." Read it and weep. How twisted?

Bed nao. Miss yiz.

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 16:43:42 GMT

DID SUSAN BOYLE GET 136'd? DID SHE? I MUST KNOW.

Writing the final 900 words of pointless essay. Consultant tomorrow. Eek.

Memememememememe

Tue, 26 May 2009 22:39:18 GMT

Ganked from neurotripsy . Missed me?

RULES: You can only answer with "Yes" or "No." You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone comments or messages you and asks, and believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming.

Kissed any one of your LJ friends?
Yes.

Been arrested?
No.

Kissed someone you didn't like?
Yes.

Slept in until 5PM?
Yes.

Fallen asleep at work/school?
Yes.

Held a snake?
Yes
.

Ran a red light?
No.

Been suspended from school?
No.

Experienced love at first sight?
No.

Totaled your car in an accident?
No.

Been fired from a job?
Yes.

Fired somebody?
No.

Sang karaoke?
No.

Pointed a gun at someone?
No.

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
Yes.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
Yes.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Yes.

Kissed in the rain?
Yes.

Had a close brush with death (your own)?
Yes.

Seen someone die?
No
.

Played spin-the-bottle?
Yes.

Sang in the shower?
No.

Smoked a cigar?
No.

Sat on a rooftop?
Yes.

Taken pictures of yourself naked?
Yes.

Smuggled something into another country?
No.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes?
No.

Broken a bone?
Yes.

Skipped school?
Yes.

Eaten a bug?
No.

Sleepwalked?
No.

Walked a moonlit beach?
No.

Rode a motorcycle?
No.

Dumped someone?
Yes.

Forgotten your anniversary?
No.

Lied to get out of a ticket?
No.

Ridden on a helicopter?
No.

Shaved your head?
No.

Blacked out from drinking?
Np

Played a prank on someone?
Yes.

Hit a home run?
No.

Felt like killing someone?
Yes.

Cross-dressed?
Yes.

Been falling-down drunk?
No.

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
Yes.

Eaten snake?
No.

Marched/protested?
Yes
.

Had Mexican jumping beans for pets?
No.

Puked on an amusement ride?
No.

Seriously & intentionally boycotted something?
Yes.

Been in a band?
Yes.

Knitted?
Yes.

Been on TV?
No.

Shot a gun?
No
.

Skinny-dipped?
No.

Made someone have to get stitches?
No.

Eaten a whole habenero pepper?
No.

Ridden a surfboard?
No.

Drank straight from a liquor bottle?
Yes.

Had surgery?
Yes.

Streaked?
No.

Ridden in a hot air balloon?
No.

Ever blown glass?
No.

Rode a horse?
Yes.

Hit someone in the face?
Yes.

Skydived?
No.

Woke up and had no idea where you were?
Yes
.

Hitchhiked?
No.

Tattoo?
No.

Stayed up for 48 hrs straight?
Yes.

Ever go pool hopping?
No.

Stole a car?
No.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 22:21:17 GMT

BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

WHY I CANS NOT DOWNLOAD NEW MANICZ ALBUM IN WORKABLE FORMAT?

WHY DOES THE INTERNET HATE ME?

stuff and things

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:10:00 GMT

An intimate portrait of Emma's current daily life:

Placementplacementgetswornatbyoldmenhomereadingforessaybashatessayforawhilesleepplacementplacementtryandfindpeople tomoveintothehousecleanthehousehavepeopleroundforviewingsleepessayessayessayessaybuybookpanicaboutlackofmoneysleepsleepsleepsleeppanicreadpanicessayplacement AND NOW IT'S LUNCHTIME.

Naaah, 'snot so bad. I am absolutely fucking shattered, got me some iron deficiency anaemia there which seems to want to get worse notwithstanding iron treatment, so we are busy ruling out Things Inside Me That Might Be Bleeding. I don't have ulcerative colitis so yey! I'll get back to you on that.

Now have people to move into the house, and I have shotgun on the fucking huge downstairs room. WINZ0RZ. Have to move an extremely disgruntled Lola, who nommed her spay wound open and is now wearing a lampshade and cursing me openly. Moving to be done on 1st May. Is weird. End of era, etc. Though the girls are only moving down the road, so.

SCARY BUISNESS: The DWP gon' take mah shit. Well, they are sending me an IB50 to assess my continuing eligibility for Incapacity Benefit. PHEAR. They are notorious bastards and now there is this ESA thing and it is fucking impossible to live on the social work bursary which is why everyone else lives with their parents GAAAAH. So that's a worry. Any suggestions?

Miss you all. How's it going?

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 22:32:23 GMT

Got memey listy things to do and lulz to report but FIRST AN ANNOUNCEMENT:

Writing journal, like I sed: lipstickscribe

Don't expect genuis, I'm just whacking up everything I've got knocking around for a bit of crit to see if I can get going again. Readers welcome, criticism welcome, I won't cry, I'm hard. No seriously, concrit means I'll love you forever. Show people if you think they'll be interested. If you don't care, get on with your life unsullied.

BE NICE TO ME BE NICE TO ME

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 19:34:39 GMT

A self-indulgent meme, thieved from Nats.
One little compliment can make you feel amazing. So give me a compliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces are pretty. Put this in your journal. And once you get some comments, put that entry in a memory or tag and when you are feeling down, just go to that entry and this will remind you how great you are.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 21:43:48 GMT

LESS OF THE NICOLA BASHIN THO LA, RITE KID?

OH....MY....GOD.......SHOES!

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:48:30 GMT

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=200303226348&_trksid=p3907.m32&_trkparms=tab%3DWatching

mine mine mine all miiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.....present for my "clean" year.

Just finished my law excercise, 40% of the Foundation module. I have failed. I almost went past the 10% extra buffer on the word limit, and I still left loads of shit out and I'm sure I referenced wrong, but I did get in lessons from a couple of public inquiries and went on about social work values and OH SHIT I FORGOT TO REFERENCE THE GSCC CODE OF ETHICS. Ah well, fuck all I can do about it now. Even if I fail I may not need to resubmit because I passed the other 60% okay.

I wish for MOAR SNOW. Although no snow just means lecture, which tomorrow is by interesting guy who works with child sex offenders. Also, does anyone know how to use cdburnerxp? I ruined six DVD-Rs trying to convert something to ISO then burn it. FAIL.